What to Get Your Favourite Blue Jays Player For Christmas

The holidays are upon us. Assuming you can’t afford to buy the team from Rogers, there are plenty of websites and articles with suggestions on what to get the Blue Jay fan in your life for Christmas – the team may have even paid the Toronto Sun to write some of them.

There is far less discussion on what to get Blue Jay players for Christmas (or in Kevin Pillar’s case, Hanukah). If a major bout of holiday cheer has inspired you to put something under the tree of these already wealthy athletes, here are some thoughtful gift suggestions for our favorite Toronto baseball players.

Marcus Stroman – Noise Cancelling Headphones

The best gifts are equal parts thoughtful and useful, and a nice set of noise cancelling headphones gifted to Marcus Stroman ticks both boxes. Noise cancelling headphones will simultaneously allow Stroman to tune out criticism from haters (including some prominent media personalities) and listen to as much Mike Stud as his heart desires – all without disrupting anyone else in the team clubhouse. Surely, this is a gift that would be appreciated by the Blue Jays’ self-googling and musically inclined staff ace.

Josh Donaldson – Gift Certificates for Calf Massages

Not only are massages a thoughtful and relaxing way to spend time during what is no doubt a hectic holiday season, gifting Donaldson an hour on the calf massage table might provide the added effect of keeping the star third basemen off the disabled list. Donaldson, who has suffered calf injuries in two of the last three seasons, would greatly appreciate a gift that nurses his problematic calves and keeps him on the field for the entirety of his contract year.

Jose Bautista – A Bronze Statue of Jose Bautista

Give Jose the gift he genuinely deserves but likely won’t receive otherwise – a bronze statue of his likeness outside of the Rogers Centre. I’d ask the team to do it, but unless Jose changes his last name to Rogers it seems unlikely. To ensure accuracy and attention to detail, make sure the statue comes built with a chip on the shoulder. Bautista might not technically be a Blue Jay anymore, but if we can send a Christmas card to our next door neighbor who moved to San Diego twelve years ago, we can send holiday cheer Jose’s way, too.

Mark Shapiro and Ross Atkins – Bitcoins

Shapiro and Atkins have been on a media blitz over the past month, talking to various outlets about their thought process and philosophy in an effort to win over the hearts of Blue Jay fans.

One thing they have made abundantly clear during the promo tour: the want to embrace new technology and ideas in order to remain on the cutting edge of baseball’s front offices. Bitcoins are the perfect gift for a front office that has embraced high performance departments, analytics and standing desks. Nothing is more new-age than crypto currencies.

Acquiring bitcoins before they become the major leagues’ (and the rest of the world’s) currency of choice will give the Blue Jays a much-welcomed financial advantage. If Atkins and Shapiro have bitcoins at their disposal, they may be able to compete in a free agent market where the depressed Canadian dollar can often tie their hands. In a worst-case scenario, if the bitcoin bubble bursts, Shapiro and Atkins can use the bitcoins to buy performance-enhancing drugs for their players on the dark web.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Salsa Lessons (Intermediate Level)

While he likely won’t be on the opening day roster in 2018, it’s never too early to show someone you care. Welcome Vlad Jr. to the Blue Jays’ family with a gift you know he’ll appreciate and put to good use: salsa lessons. Vlad is no amateur so make sure that the dance studio has options for advanced and intermediate level dancers. Fingers crossed he doesn’t injure his hip in the process.

Troy Tulowitzki – #1 Dad Mug

Unless your name is Taz, Tulowitzki is obviously not your real dad. But Tulo appears to have taken on both a leadership role and the “dad” moniker in the Blue Jays clubhouse. While Jose Bautista is gone and Josh Donaldson could be leaving soon after, Tulo and his big ol’ contract are going to be around for the long haul. His production on the field seems to have regressed from his days in Colorado, but he can still fill the leadership void left by Bautista’s (and potentially Donaldson’s) departure. The gift is also a practical one, as Tulo can use the mug whether he is on the field or the disabled list. Help cultivate Tulo’s role as the new Blue Jays team leader by giving this veteran presence a “veteran present” this holiday season.

Ezekiel Carrera – A Platoon Partner

Sometimes the best gifts are the things that you need, not the things that you want. Getting a platoon partner may be the baseball equivalent of getting socks for Christmas, but sometimes our parents (or general managers) know best. Gifting Zeke a right-handed hitting outfield partner capable of spelling him when a lefty takes the mound in 2018 will help keep Carrera productive(ish) and just as importantly, off the field. Whatever you decide to give Carrera, stay away from sweaters and other shirts, he has no idea how long his arms are.

Justin Smoak – Whatever You Got Him Last Year

Whether it was fishing tackle, a crate of chewing tobacco, or tickets to a Jason Aldean concert, whatever you got Smoak last year seemed to work well. So just get him that again.

Ryan Goins – A New Best Friend

Not only did Goins take over the starting shortstop position with Troy Tulowitzki on the disabled list in 2017, GoGo also usurped Aaron Sanchez for the coveted Marcus Stroman best friend position. The newfound friendship earned Goins plenty of social media followers and a trip to Paris, but it wasn’t able to secure him a spot on the 40-man roster this December.

I’m sure Goins and Stroman will remain close, but the middle infielder will need to find someone else to hang out with while Stroman is in Toronto for work. If you can find someone who knows that height doesn’t measure heart and values infield defence as much as Stroman does, send him Ryan’s way this holiday season. On a somewhat related note, does Aledmys Diaz have Instagram?

On that note, I want to say thanks to everyone who’s taken the time to read my writing this year – I am truly grateful. I hope that you all get what you want for Christmas – whether it’s J.D. Martinez, Lorenzo Cain or a Josh Donaldson trade. Well, maybe not the Donaldson trade, but you get picture. From me to you, all the best over the holidays (whichever you celebrate) and here’s to another great year of talking Blue Jays with you all in 2018.

Lead Photo © Rick Osentoski/USA TODAY Sports

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